Photo by Brian Milo.
Click for larger image.
Simons on Simons: A Self Interview
Simons: Well, hello hello (looks at watch). Thank you for making an appearance. Only six hours late. Big night, huh?
Simons: Let's just get on with the questions.
Simons: Testy.
Simons: Dude, we've already established that this isn't a real interview. That I'm writing both the questions and the answers. That this is all a contrived, pretentious exercise at self-promotion, that will only help me sell, maybe, an extra five copies, at best, which, given the the tone of your initial comments, and that smug look on your face, makes me want to leap across the table and choke the shit out of you.
Simons: Did we discuss minimizing the neurosis during your interview?
Simons: I believe we did. Yes.
Simons: Let's get back on track then. Things Kept Burning is the name of your new book.
Simons: Boy - you sure did your research.
Simons: What's the significance of the title?
Simons: Significance?
Simons: I mean, how does the title connect to the larger thematic ideas of the book? And why did you decide on this title as opposed to a different one?
Simons: Because I liked it?
Simons: Is that a question or an answer?
Simons: D.
Simons: Huh?
Simons: None of the above.
Simons: Isn't that from Brewster's Millions?
Simons: Indeed.
Simons: Do you have anything original to say?
Simons: Art is about flights of the imagination.
Simons: How is that original? You stole that from Storm Thorgerson.
Simons: I'm being post-modern.
Simons: Aren't we clever?
Simons: Was there ever really any doubt?
Simons: Okay, let's try this. Why do you think this book resonates so well with fans?
Simons: Resin?
Simons: Resonates! Stop playing stupid. It's annoying.
Simons: What is your question again?
Simons: (sigh) Why do you think fans are so excited about the book?
Simons: Because they enjoyed it?
Simons: (turns to publicist) I can't work with this cunt anymore. Seriously. I don't care if you fire me, I just can't be in the same room with him any longer.
Simons: Was it something I said?
Simons: Say one more sarcastic thing. One more! I dare you to.
Simons: The drummer from Def Leopard only has one arm?
Simons: Who do you think you are? I mean seriously. We're talking here like your book is flying off the shelves. It's sold 80 fucking copies and you're...
Simons: 83.
Simons: Okay, your book has sold 83 copies and you're acting like JD Salinger.
Simons: Why do Canadians say "eh' after every comment? I mean, it makes you feel like you have to continually respond to everything they say, like you're in this perpetual loop and you can't exit the conversation because you're required to confirm their previous statement. I just don't get it. I mean, are you telling me, or are you asking me if what you've just said is correct?
Simons: Why are we talking about Canadians?
Simons: Shall we discuss the Chinese?
Simons: Do you have something profound to say about the Chinese?
Simons: No, but I'll tell you this. There was a guy named Howard Poon in my freshmen gym class. He didn't know how to stay in his queue.
Simons: His last name was Poon?
Simons: Yeah.
Simons: Unfuckingbelievable.
Simons: What?
Simons: I can't believe how self-absorbed you are.
Simons: That's kind of what I'm going for here. Self-absorbed, and brilliant.
Simons: Will you settle for pompous and insecure?
Simons: Look kids! Big Ben, Parliament.
Simons: Listen, I'm tired of the incoherence. Do you have anything else you'd like to say about the book?
Simons: My mom liked it.
Simons: That's why the people reading this should purchase it?
Simons: I got a handjob last night from this girl named Casey.
Simons: Okay, stop the tape. Interview's over. You can go fuck yourself.
Simons: What's with the animosity, dude?
Simons: Never again. I will never work with you again!
Simons: Did I do something to offend you?
Simons: Nope. It's been a real pleasure.
Simons: I don't want to sound fruity or anything, but do you want to get a drink after this?
Simons: (silence)
Simons: Why do you think that kid from Quadrophenia was so angry?
Simons: Probably because he had to work with twats like you all day.
Simons: Ya think?
Simons: I do.
Simons: Oh. (pauses). I guess that makes sense. It would be cool, though, to drive around all day on a Vespa and just be angry at the world.
Simons: Isn't that what you do anyway?
Simons: I don't have a Vespa.
Simons: I was referring to the "angry at the world" part.
Simons: You think I'm angry?
Simons: No, I think you're the most easy-going, fantastically calm person I've ever met.
Simons: Really? Thanks, bro.
Simons: You're welcome.
Simons: Is this a happy ending then?
Simons: I'm not touching your crotch, dude.
Simons: You won't even graze it, just a little bit? I mean, accidentally?
Simons: I'm sorry. Did you just say, glazed?
Simons: Please bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia.
Simons: Do these schizophrenic episodes ever end?
Simons: You're not recording this are you?
Simons: Maybe.
Simons: Ah-hah!
Simons: You got me.
Simons: Bastard!
Simons: I'm sorry.
Simons: This is the best interview ever.
Simons: Or the worst
Simons. (pauses)
Simons: Any last requests?
Simons: Yeah. When you pull that trigger, please don't miss.
Simons: Well, hello hello (looks at watch). Thank you for making an appearance. Only six hours late. Big night, huh?
Simons: Let's just get on with the questions.
Simons: Testy.
Simons: Dude, we've already established that this isn't a real interview. That I'm writing both the questions and the answers. That this is all a contrived, pretentious exercise at self-promotion, that will only help me sell, maybe, an extra five copies, at best, which, given the the tone of your initial comments, and that smug look on your face, makes me want to leap across the table and choke the shit out of you.
Simons: Did we discuss minimizing the neurosis during your interview?
Simons: I believe we did. Yes.
Simons: Let's get back on track then. Things Kept Burning is the name of your new book.
Simons: Boy - you sure did your research.
Simons: What's the significance of the title?
Simons: Significance?
Simons: I mean, how does the title connect to the larger thematic ideas of the book? And why did you decide on this title as opposed to a different one?
Simons: Because I liked it?
Simons: Is that a question or an answer?
Simons: D.
Simons: Huh?
Simons: None of the above.
Simons: Isn't that from Brewster's Millions?
Simons: Indeed.
Simons: Do you have anything original to say?
Simons: Art is about flights of the imagination.
Simons: How is that original? You stole that from Storm Thorgerson.
Simons: I'm being post-modern.
Simons: Aren't we clever?
Simons: Was there ever really any doubt?
Simons: Okay, let's try this. Why do you think this book resonates so well with fans?
Simons: Resin?
Simons: Resonates! Stop playing stupid. It's annoying.
Simons: What is your question again?
Simons: (sigh) Why do you think fans are so excited about the book?
Simons: Because they enjoyed it?
Simons: (turns to publicist) I can't work with this cunt anymore. Seriously. I don't care if you fire me, I just can't be in the same room with him any longer.
Simons: Was it something I said?
Simons: Say one more sarcastic thing. One more! I dare you to.
Simons: The drummer from Def Leopard only has one arm?
Simons: Who do you think you are? I mean seriously. We're talking here like your book is flying off the shelves. It's sold 80 fucking copies and you're...
Simons: 83.
Simons: Okay, your book has sold 83 copies and you're acting like JD Salinger.
Simons: Why do Canadians say "eh' after every comment? I mean, it makes you feel like you have to continually respond to everything they say, like you're in this perpetual loop and you can't exit the conversation because you're required to confirm their previous statement. I just don't get it. I mean, are you telling me, or are you asking me if what you've just said is correct?
Simons: Why are we talking about Canadians?
Simons: Shall we discuss the Chinese?
Simons: Do you have something profound to say about the Chinese?
Simons: No, but I'll tell you this. There was a guy named Howard Poon in my freshmen gym class. He didn't know how to stay in his queue.
Simons: His last name was Poon?
Simons: Yeah.
Simons: Unfuckingbelievable.
Simons: What?
Simons: I can't believe how self-absorbed you are.
Simons: That's kind of what I'm going for here. Self-absorbed, and brilliant.
Simons: Will you settle for pompous and insecure?
Simons: Look kids! Big Ben, Parliament.
Simons: Listen, I'm tired of the incoherence. Do you have anything else you'd like to say about the book?
Simons: My mom liked it.
Simons: That's why the people reading this should purchase it?
Simons: I got a handjob last night from this girl named Casey.
Simons: Okay, stop the tape. Interview's over. You can go fuck yourself.
Simons: What's with the animosity, dude?
Simons: Never again. I will never work with you again!
Simons: Did I do something to offend you?
Simons: Nope. It's been a real pleasure.
Simons: I don't want to sound fruity or anything, but do you want to get a drink after this?
Simons: (silence)
Simons: Why do you think that kid from Quadrophenia was so angry?
Simons: Probably because he had to work with twats like you all day.
Simons: Ya think?
Simons: I do.
Simons: Oh. (pauses). I guess that makes sense. It would be cool, though, to drive around all day on a Vespa and just be angry at the world.
Simons: Isn't that what you do anyway?
Simons: I don't have a Vespa.
Simons: I was referring to the "angry at the world" part.
Simons: You think I'm angry?
Simons: No, I think you're the most easy-going, fantastically calm person I've ever met.
Simons: Really? Thanks, bro.
Simons: You're welcome.
Simons: Is this a happy ending then?
Simons: I'm not touching your crotch, dude.
Simons: You won't even graze it, just a little bit? I mean, accidentally?
Simons: I'm sorry. Did you just say, glazed?
Simons: Please bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia.
Simons: Do these schizophrenic episodes ever end?
Simons: You're not recording this are you?
Simons: Maybe.
Simons: Ah-hah!
Simons: You got me.
Simons: Bastard!
Simons: I'm sorry.
Simons: This is the best interview ever.
Simons: Or the worst
Simons. (pauses)
Simons: Any last requests?
Simons: Yeah. When you pull that trigger, please don't miss.